“When there is gross injury, the soul flees. Sometimes it drifts or bolts so far away that it takes masterful propitiation to coax it back.
A long time must pass before a soul will trust enough to return, but it can be accomplished.”
(Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves)
When a child is born, his brain starts making connections and forming how he'll think and who he'll be. In ideal circumstances, he learns that when he cries, his needs are met. He learns that when he's hungry, his mama will feed him and kiss him. When he's tired, his mom or dad will swaddle him and rock him and sing to him. When he makes a funny face, his parents laugh. When he coos, they coo right back at him. His brain will quickly make the connection that he is valued and cherished and that his mom and dad are who he can trust.
Conversely, when a child is institutionalized, his brain forms different pathways. He learns that when he cries, nothing happens; it's a waste of energy. When he's sad or afraid or lonely, there is no comfort given. He learns quickly that he is on his own in this world. He has to take care of himself. Often in orphanages, extra attention is paid to children who are charming. Many children become indiscriminately affectionate. They will do anything for the attention they so desperately crave from adults.
When a child who has lived his life in an institution is adopted and joins a family, it is very hard for him to understand what a family is. He will often still seek attention and love from complete strangers. It is how he's survived up to this point. He doesn't understand the concept of a mother and father. He doesn't understand that they can be trusted and that they will meet all his needs. He doesn't understand that he doesn't have to put on a show. He can be himself and will be loved no matter what, just for who he is. These things must be taught to a child once he's home.
In addition, when he comes "home", it certainly doesn't feel like home to him! He has been taken from everything he has ever known! Language, culture, nannies, friends, way of life, food, smells, everything!
Bonding and attaching can sometimes be a very long, difficult, and emotional process for all involved. Every child is different and every family is different. Rewiring a child's brain is not always easy! It's crucial to get it right, though! The way they interact with others (not just their parents) for the rest of their lives is at stake!
Though bonding and attachment between parent and child are not easy, they are extremely important. It is the first building block in a child’s emotional development. It leads to the development of trust in a child. And a child needs this to be able to grow and develop positive future relationships. Our society is built and dependent on people with good relationship skills. People without these skills have difficulty fitting into society.
Because of all of these reasons, parenting a child that comes from an institution is different than parenting a biological child or a child adopted at birth. We (my husband and I) have discussed at length how we are going to help Milo with bonding and attaching. To begin with, Mom and Dad need to meet all his needs initially. This means no other caretakers for a while. He needs to learn what a mom and dad are and that they are the ones that will care for him. He needs to learn that he doesn't need to rely on strangers.
In addition, Milo will not be passed around to be held by others for a bit. His siblings and grandparents can hold him, but that's it for a while. Milo needs to learn who the important people in his life are! Even though his siblings and grandparents might hold him, they will not meet any of his needs. All the feeding, changing, bathing, and bedtime will be done solely by Mom and Dad. It sounds so harsh, but we know how important and vital it is to "get it right"! We have a list of enriching bonding activities that we will do with him as well.
Many people choose to "cocoon" once they get their child home. This means they don't really leave the house. They stay home as much as possible and limit the child's interaction and exposure with others. This sounds cozy, but it's not super realistic for our family. We have three other children who are involved in school, sports, and instruments. It feels like we often have somewhere to be, and we can't shut down life completely. We will, however, watch out for Milo. If it's too much stimulation for him, we'll simply go home! Every child is different, and it's part of the experience to see how Milo responds to the world outside of his crib at his orphanage! If he does fine and enjoys meeting new people and trying new things, life will quickly return to normal! If he's having a hard time adjusting and prefers to stay home with the people he's comfortable with, that's how it will be for a while!
Please don't feel intimidated by these limitations. Please still include us! We would love phone calls and visits! We would love for you to ask how Milo's doing! Even though this idea might seem foreign to many of you, I assure you it's quite normal and after a few months, our lives will all return to normal!
Thank you for supporting us in this transitional time for Milo! We hope you will all pray that he will be prepared to be a son. That his grief will be short lived and that he will quickly realize he's safe and loved. I've watched through the last year and a half as many orphans have become sons and daughters. The transformation is astonishing, and we truly can't wait to see the growth and progress our little Milo will experience as it's his turn to go from orphan to cherished son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend!
