The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

This week was the week.  A Russian delegation was traveling to the United States to have discussions about adoption.  How could this not go well!?  Why would a Russian delegation travel all the way to Washington D.C. for absolutely no reason?  Surely they wouldn't.  They want to talk!  They are ready to negotiate!!  Although I was trying very hard not to get my hopes up, I simply couldn't help it.  "THEY'RE GOING TO LET HER COME HOME!!!"  I unwillingly let this thought creep into my head about every five minutes for a week or so.  I knew the delegation was not comprised of any decision makers, but the excitement was elixir to my aching heart all the same.  The joy in my group of adopting mom friends was palpable.  OUR BABIES!  We love these children so very much.  They are already part of our families, part of our lives.  We think of them always.  The moms I am very close to are all adopting children with special needs.  Most of whom were given up by their parents simply because of these special needs.  No Russian family wants them, not even their own biological families.  There are hundreds of families in the U.S. that do want them, though.  Want them so badly they've put their entire lives on hold to enter the international adoption abyss.  I digress, though.

Last Friday, the Magnitsky List was supposed to be published.  Oh dear!  This could completely derail our efforts.  (For a brief synopsis, Magnitsky was a Russian attorney who accused Russian officials of laundering money.  He was put into prison  in 2009 and he died.  He was beaten, and no doctor was called.  In December, the U.S. passed the "Magnitsky Act" (pushed by a few U.S. senators), calling it a human rights violation.  The U.S. said they would publish a list of anyone involved in the crime.  200+ Russians, including high ranking officials, were supposedly to be on the list.  They would be denied U.S. Visas and their U.S. assets would be frozen.  This is why Russia passed the Dima Yakovlev law banning adoptions of Russians by U.S. citizens.  It was retaliation for the Magnitsky Act.)  I was happy to learn only 18 names were made public, and nobody of great importance was on the list.  It was a clear backing down by U.S. officials, and Russia recognized that.  Phewf!!!  Crisis averted!  Right?

My heart felt happier than it has since we left Dasha in Russia that freezing December morning.  I could not wait for Wednesday, April 17th to get here.  A parent led group had worked amazingly hard and efficiently to come up with a better and more intricate post placement report plan.  It was well thought out and intelligent.  They had compiled pictures of successful Russian adoptions.  Pictures of happy, smiling children and families.  Not the handful of abuse cases that have hit the headlines nonstop in Russia recently.  A group of parents even got a meeting with the Russian Ambassador!  Then, they got to meet with officials in the Department of State that were hosting the delegation to tell them of our plans.  Oh, this was going our way!!  I had butterflies in my stomach all morning, and then we got a miraculous email!  The Department of State was holding a conference call the very next day at 2:00 EST.  That was less than 24 hours away...there must be good news!  It usually takes quite a while to gather everyone's notes and come up with material for a conference call, right!?  With another entire day left on the schedule with the Russian delegation, they must have reached a fantastic negotiation and simply couldn't wait to share the good news!  Right?  We all scoured the newspapers and press releases, both from the U.S. and Russia looking for any sign of the much anticipated end to our sorrow.  We found Russian press releases that said the U.S. and Russia had agreed that a revamp was needed and welcome of the current post placement report system.  Oh joy, this had to be good news!  Why would we agree to such a thing if they hadn't allowed any more children to come home?  They wouldn't, right?  Negotiating 101 would teach that both sides give, both sides take.  That's the entire purpose of a negotiation.  2:00 Thursday...just get here already!!

By Thursday morning, news was leaking out that things had gone terribly awry in the delegation meetings.  Russia was not budging.  Not only that, but 99 children who had been matched with prospective adoptive parents (and had met them) were now in foster care and/or had been adopted by Russians.  We knew the call was not going to be the news we'd longed for.  Still, I had to hear it all for myself.  The phone call was a disaster.  The U.S. team reported it was the most horrible delegation they'd ever been a part of.  Russia wanted nothing to do with negotiations.  It was all take, zero give.  Zilch.  Not only that, but the State Department let us all know in no uncertain terms that they were done negotiating for us.  To say the wind was knocked out of my sails would be an understatement.  I was completely devastated.  This had to be one of the hardest days of my entire life.  I felt (and still feel) like my whole world has been shaken.  I have never lived in a world where nothing makes sense.  I have never experienced injustice so wholly and profoundly.  Our government couldn't care less about these kids and about us as suffering U.S. families.  The Russian government couldn't care less about their own orphans.  Instead, both sides have chosen money, power, and, most of all, pride.  I don't want to get into too many details here.  Mostly because I'm exhausted from thinking about it all.  As far as the U.S. government goes, though, I am referring first and foremost to the Magnitsky Act.  The decision that caused Russia to ban adoptions by Americans in the first place.  One man was killed.  Probably unjustly, yes.  He was Russian.  It's none of our damn business.  Crappy things happen to U.S. citizens in U.S. prisons all the time.  We made it our business because a wealthy campaign donor wants to get back at Russia.  Not because one of his several Russian attorneys was killed, but rather to get back at Russia for stealing his money.  Money he made by stealing from Russia in the first place.  And who is this man?  A U.S. citizen?  Nope.  He denounced his citizenship years ago and lives in England, far from the America he abhors.  I'm super glad we decided to side with this guy.  Because the hundreds of orphans who will now die are somehow less important to the world than greedy businessmen.  Because their human rights are not being violated at all, being forced to live without families, love, and proper care.  But can orphans contribute to certain senators' campaign reelections?  I think not.  So suffer away, pointless orphans.  If you've got nothing to offer the world, the world will offer nothing to you.  This is the horrible, terrible lesson I've learned this week.  I'm clearly pissed off.

And why, you might ask, are there nearly a millions orphans living in Russia without parental care, and suddenly ninety-nine of these orphans who'd met American parents are adopted by Russians!?!?  Coincidence?  Hardly.  Good ol' Pavel Astakhov has been hard at work PAYING RUSSIANS TO TAKE THE KIDS THAT HAD BEEN MATCHED WITH AMERICAN PARENTS!!!!!!  Oh, and get this.  If you take one with a special need, you get seven times the amount.  Please don't misunderstand.  If the Russian government wants to help subsidize families who adopt special needs children to help them pay for the needs of the children, I completely agree with that and understand.  What I DON'T agree with or understand is paying seven times the amount they are paying to adopt any other child to adopt one that's already been matched with an American family.  It doesn't matter if you take the kid back once you've been paid.  It doesn't matter how you treat the orphan, either.  Nobody cares about them anyway.  As long as they're sticking it to the U.S., that's what counts.  If a family steps forward from Russia or a different country who is interested in parenting Dasha because they love her and see her worth, I would be overjoyed.  She deserves a family.  She should have a Mama and  Papa.  Oh, how she loved her Papa.  She would do so very well in a family setting.  She is smart and lovely and her smile will melt that family's heart.  If one of these families come forward, I would welcome this.

Listen, I am all about Russians taking care of their own orphans.  If long overdue orphan care reform is what comes from all of this, then bravo, Russia!  I'm not being sarcastic here, either.  Truly, they have got to start taking better care of their orphans.  They have got to start accepting individuals with special needs.  We all come into this world with different abilities, strengths, and weaknesses.  It's what makes human kind beautiful and brilliant and perfect.  Our very imperfections.  There are far too many orphans and not enough willing homes.  But please, please don't punish those children already abandoned by one set of parents.  Please.  Let them get the medical care they deserve.  Let them be loved and educated and happy.  Let them know they are valuable and lovable and so very much adored, just how they are.  Just who they are.  Please.  Please.  Please don't let these children suffer.  Please don't make them live in institutions until they die a premature death.  Please.  Please don't let them miss out on life.  Please.  Please see them as human beings, capable of wonderful things.  Please don't punish them because the families that love them live in a country you want to punish.  Please don't let families who don't really love them take them.  Please, please, please.  Please.  Please.

Many parents who've met their kids have decided to stop working towards their adoptions.  Our government has given up without much of a fight.  Their government continues to be adamant about their position.  What else can we do?  I don't blame these parents in the least.  On the contrary, many of them are going to different countries to adopt.  It's a brave thing to do.  They are leaving their hearts in Russia and pursuing other children in need.  There are orphans all around the world longing for parents.  For now, though, we will continue to pursue our European Court of Human Rights Case.  We've been given priority status and things are going well.  I don't know what the outcome of this will be.  It's not even certain that if our case is victorious that Russia will let us take our kids. We have to continue to try, though.  I am going to do every single thing in my power to make sure that precious soul does not have to live in a mental institution for the remainder of her life.  It's not right.  I love her.  She's my child.  If any of my other children were trapped in a different country, you bet I'd continue fighting for them.  So until a few more doors are slammed in our face, we are still moving forward.  This has been an extremely difficult time for me and for my family.  We are thankful for your thoughts, and, as always, for your prayers.  For us, for Dasha, for all the children.  And also for the hearts of the officials, both in this country and in Russia.  Please pray their hearts will be softened and that they will see the need these children have to grow up in a family.  To end with, I am going to link to my beautiful friend's beautiful blog.  She escaped with her gorgeous Russian children around Thanksgiving.  I can't imagine darling Maria and Elijah still being trapped.  Read her blog here and see the difference having a family is making in these precious lives.  Think of how many more should have this opportunity that are being denied.  It's not right.  It's not right at all.  "There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest." -Elie Wiesel

Reece's Rainbow Utah Family Reunion

I sure love these reunions!!  Our Utah numbers are growing like crazy, and it makes me so happy!!  The last reunion we had in August, there were only two Reece's Rainbow kids whose adoptions had been finalized.  This time, there were tons of kids that had made it home!  It's so exciting!!  There were even a few families with kids home that couldn't make it.  Hopefully this summer we'll be able to get everyone together.  And hopefully this summer, our baby will be included in the mix ;)

Here are our seven Utah girlies and one Idaho boy who've made it home!  Six of these kids are from Russia and two are from Ukraine.  One of these girls came home Christmas Eve, right before the ban was signed by Putin.  Incredibly, four of them made it home AFTER the ban!!  Their parents had already passed court and were in their 30 day wait period when the ban was signed.  The Russian Supreme Court decided they could go home.  For two of these (who belong to one family), they went right home with no problem.  The other two, however, were stuck in Russia with a judge who was not going to let them go home without a fight!  Their warrior mamas stuck it out for a whole month in Russia until they were finally able to come home with their darlings!

I am privileged to belong to this incredible group of families.  This adoption road is not always easy, but it's always worth it.  These kids have a second chance at life.  They are adored by family and friends and are loved beyond measure.  And...they get to have best friends to grow up with!  An added bonus for the parents, too, is that there's always someone to talk to.  Someone to get advice from.  Someone who knows what you're going through.  Friends who get that fundraising stinks, dossier's are an exhausting amount of work, and training's a pain (although invaluable).  Others who understand "stimming", attachment disorders, and eating issues.  Those who know first hand what it's like to have post adoption depression.  Important for me, too, is a group of people who completely understand the attachment we feel for our little love and the heartbreak we're going through to be kept away from her.  So though I haven't known these families for very long, they are some of my most treasured friends!  I can't wait until our next party!!!

Life On Hold

Entering into the world of international adoption, you realize quickly that your life is put on hold.  Every penny is accounted for as you struggle to come up with $56,000.  Hundred of hours are spent planning and carrying out fundraisers.  Every minute you can spare you spend working on your home study, collecting what feels like hundreds of documents probing into every detail of your life and history.  Countless hours are spent compiling your dossier.  Lots of blood, sweat and tears are put into preparing your home to add a new little one.  Much thought and effort are put into making sure everyone in your family is prepared and on board to add a child who will require extra time and love.  Research is done to prepare for what lies ahead in raising an institutionalized child, and in our case, a child with Down syndrome.  Parent training classes, stacks of books, and loads of articles to be trained to parent this child are read.  Yes, it's a daunting task to enter into the international adoption realm.

Our lives have been in this holding pattern since July.  It was in July that we decided to pursue adoption.  Our agency told us the typical Russian adoption takes 6 months to 1 year.  Determined to be in the earlier part of that estimate, we rushed every piece we had control over.  Our dossier was en route to Russia within three months of us committing.  Pretty impressive, I must admit ;)  After visiting our girl, our facilitator told us if we rushed our court dossier, we could have court in March.  That would put our gotcha trip in April.  Dasha's birthday is in May, so I was confident we'd have our little peanut home in time for her 2nd birthday.  Oh what a celebration it would be!!

The ban hit, and time stood still.  Except for time isn't standing still.  It just feels like it.  We are stuck in this holding pattern.  We can't move forward with life, because we are still in the process of an international adoption.  It's spring break right now...and we're at home.  We can't go on vacation, because we're still saving money.  I am still spending my spare minutes on the adoption.  I am reading every article related to the adoption ban I can get my hands on.  I'm planning, preparing, coming up with strategies.  Still.  How long is this holding pattern going to continue?  I wish I knew the answer to that.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered moving on.  Going to a different country. There are, unfortunately, many countries that reject their children born with Down syndrome.  There are thousands throughout the world that need homes.  We set out to give a child with Down syndrome a home, and that's what we are going to do.  There are so many adorable faces from China and Ukraine that call to me.  It is so tempting to abandon this adoption that is causing such stress in our lives.  But in the end, we fell in love with a child in Russia.  We feel that she is meant to be in our family, so we will continue to stay on hold.  We want to abandon the holding pattern and the process, but certainly not the child.  Nobody has ever in her life fought for her.  We know she's worth it, so we continue to fight.

The worst part of the holding pattern, though, is not our lives that are disrupted.  It's that our sweet Dasha's life is on hold.  She is not receiving the therapies she needs.  She is not having surgery on her eyes.  She is not learning to crawl or walk.  She is not learning how to play with toys or read a book.  She is missing out on the love of a family that adores her and cannot wait to show her how valued and cherished she is.  She is not eating healthy fruits and vegetables.  She is fed mush in a bottle with the nipple cut off.  I am not faulting her caretakers.  They are doing the best they can with what they have.  But the truth of the matter is that she is not receiving the care and opportunities she would if she were allowed to come home to us.  THIS is what the hard part is.  I can scarcely look at her pictures and video anymore.  It renders me useless.  I sit and cry and cry and cry.  Oh, what a doll she is!  She loves us.  She really, truly does.  And we love her.  We really, truly do.

So we will continue to remain on hold.  For however long it takes.