Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Once We're Home...

“When there is gross injury, the soul flees. Sometimes it drifts or bolts so far away that it takes masterful propitiation to coax it back.
A long time must pass before a soul will trust enough to return, but it can be accomplished.”
(Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves)

When a child is born, his brain starts making connections and forming how he'll think and who he'll be. In ideal circumstances, he learns that when he cries, his needs are met. He learns that when he's hungry, his mama will feed him and kiss him. When he's tired, his mom or dad will swaddle him and rock him and sing to him. When he makes a funny face, his parents laugh. When he coos, they coo right back at him. His brain will quickly make the connection that he is valued and cherished and that his mom and dad are who he can trust.

Conversely, when a child is institutionalized, his brain forms different pathways. He learns that when he cries, nothing happens; it's a waste of energy. When he's sad or afraid or lonely, there is no comfort given. He learns quickly that he is on his own in this world. He has to take care of himself. Often in orphanages, extra attention is paid to children who are charming. Many children become indiscriminately affectionate. They will do anything for the attention they so desperately crave from adults.

When a child who has lived his life in an institution is adopted and joins a family, it is very hard for him to understand what a family is. He will often still seek attention and love from complete strangers. It is how he's survived up to this point. He doesn't understand the concept of a mother and father. He doesn't understand that they can be trusted and that they will meet all his needs. He doesn't understand that he doesn't have to put on a show. He can be himself and will be loved no matter what, just for who he is. These things must be taught to a child once he's home.

In addition, when he comes "home", it certainly doesn't feel like home to him! He has been taken from everything he has ever known! Language, culture, nannies, friends, way of life, food, smells, everything!
Bonding and attaching can sometimes be a very long, difficult, and emotional process for all involved. Every child is different and every family is different. Rewiring a child's brain is not always easy! It's crucial to get it right, though! The way they interact with others (not just their parents) for the rest of their lives is at stake!

Though bonding and attachment between parent and child are not easy, they are extremely important. It is the first building block in a child’s emotional development. It leads to the development of trust in a child. And a child needs this to be able to grow and develop positive future relationships. Our society is built and dependent on people with good relationship skills. People without these skills have difficulty fitting into society.

Because of all of these reasons, parenting a child that comes from an institution is different than parenting a biological child or a child adopted at birth. We (my husband and I) have discussed at length how we are going to help Milo with bonding and attaching. To begin with, Mom and Dad need to meet all his needs initially. This means no other caretakers for a while. He needs to learn what a mom and dad are and that they are the ones that will care for him. He needs to learn that he doesn't need to rely on strangers.

In addition, Milo will not be passed around to be held by others for a bit. His siblings and grandparents can hold him, but that's it for a while. Milo needs to learn who the important people in his life are! Even though his siblings and grandparents might hold him, they will not meet any of his needs. All the feeding, changing, bathing, and bedtime will be done solely by Mom and Dad. It sounds so harsh, but we know how important and vital it is to "get it right"! We have a list of enriching bonding activities that we will do with him as well.

Many people choose to "cocoon" once they get their child home. This means they don't really leave the house. They stay home as much as possible and limit the child's interaction and exposure with others. This sounds cozy, but it's not super realistic for our family. We have three other children who are involved in school, sports, and instruments. It feels like we often have somewhere to be, and we can't shut down life completely. We will, however, watch out for Milo. If it's too much stimulation for him, we'll simply go home! Every child is different, and it's part of the experience to see how Milo responds to the world outside of his crib at his orphanage! If he does fine and enjoys meeting new people and trying new things, life will quickly return to normal! If he's having a hard time adjusting and prefers to stay home with the people he's comfortable with, that's how it will be for a while!

Please don't feel intimidated by these limitations. Please still include us! We would love phone calls and visits! We would love for you to ask how Milo's doing! Even though this idea might seem foreign to many of you, I assure you it's quite normal and after a few months, our lives will all return to normal!

Thank you for supporting us in this transitional time for Milo! We hope you will all pray that he will be prepared to be a son. That his grief will be short lived and that he will quickly realize he's safe and loved. I've watched through the last year and a half as many orphans have become sons and daughters. The transformation is astonishing, and we truly can't wait to see the growth and progress our little Milo will experience as it's his turn to go from orphan to cherished son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, and friend!

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Sochi

I've been SO sad the past few weeks about the lack of focus the orphans in Russia are getting while Russia has the world's attention. I've been sickened by all the media attention paid to yogurt, accommodations, and stray dogs, while not a single word is said about the HUMAN BEINGS stuck in Russia living in awful conditions. A photographer, Katie Brooks, took pictures of Russian orphans a few years ago. While many orphanages are not like these pictured, I do know from first hand experiences of several friends of mine that conditions like this still do exist in Russia. I also have several friends that have been begging the press to do a story about the stuck Russian orphans. Nobody cares. Why did every news channel pick up the story about stray dogs and less than 5 star hotels, yet tiny, defenseless humans are ignored?? I may never truly understand this. Nevertheless, I can't ignore it; especially since one of these tiny humans is the daughter of my heart. Why does nobody care that this precious, darling, lovely child had a chance to have a forever family, but is now doomed to institutional life?
We have been trying to find her a Russian family, but have so far had no luck. Why should she have to spend her life behind the walls of an orphanage when she could be really living?? Why should she not get an education, her own bed, and family that adores her? Why can she not have love?? And WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE!?!?
I love dogs. I have one of my own. But I also know dogs are not as important as humans. I know that having to climb stairs to get to your hotel room because the elevator's broken should not trump little humans being denied families. I know that athletes wanting yogurt they are accustomed to and the senators that own stock in the company should never be more of a story than suffering children. It seems I'm in the minority, though, because every single news outlet has covered those stories, but not one has covered the stuck orphans.
A friend of mine that got home with her two Russians just months before the ban has a beautiful blog. I adore reading about her kids and I love her parenting style. To read what she has to say about the Olympics, click here. Another blog I love has written about it as well.
Please continue to pray for Dasha girl and all the orphans in Russia. Please pray for all the orphans throughout the world. I know it's not comfortable or easy to feel burdened by these children, but the life they are forced to lead is unacceptable. This blog has some great ways we can help orphans. We need to feel. We need to act. If not us, then who? If not now, then when?

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

We're Going to China!!!

We've had some TA (travel approval) drama. Of course. Why wouldn't we!? Things have gone so smoothly for us thus far ;) We knew we had TA last week sometime (at least by Wednesday), and we knew a package was on its way to our agency last week. Every single other person we know of who was on the same step as us got their TA's last week. It was disheartening to not receive ours, as we had fully anticipated traveling with so many of my dear friends who've been with me through thick and thin (not to mention baby boy needs to get home ASAP!)! I was positive it would come by Monday, though! I got word from our agency on Monday, and though a package did arrive from China, it did not have our TA in it. I. was. crushed. Not only was our TA not there, but there wasn't even a new package on its way! That meant at least another week of no news. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. This has been such a long, long process. I'm just exhausted.
Because I have an incredible husband who doesn't like to see me cry and who was also very concerned about our absent TA, he hopped on the phone with our agency and expressed our concern that our TA was lost! Our agency put their China contact to work. She called CCCWA and found out our TA had been issued February 10th and was already mailed. We knew something was very wrong, because it hadn't arrived yet and no new package was on its way. She called CCCWA back and let them know this. They then reprinted TA and mailed it right then as well as faxed a copy to our agency. Hallelujah!!! It's suspected that both copies of our TA were sent to his province instead of one being sent to our agency OR that it was sent to a different agency. Either way, it's amazing to have a new one!
We heard back from the civil affairs office in Milo's region (Henan) and our gotcha day will be March 10th! We have requested dates for our consulate appointment and will know (fingers crossed) in the morning the exact dates of travel!! For now we are planning on leaving March 4th to tour Beijing for a few days and visit Little Flower before heading to Henan for gotcha day. That's in 13 days, folks! 13 days. I can scarcely believe this is happening!!

We just got this updated picture of our handsome BOY (even though he's wearing a very manly shade of pink)! He weighs in at a whopping 12 pounds and is 26 inches long. Keep in mind he's 15 months old. I CAN NOT wait to have him in my arms!! It feels bizarre packing 3-6 month clothes for a 15 month old! 13 days. I can do this! Let the countdown begin!!
   

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

On Adopting a Boy From China

We have three biological children. A girl, a boy, and a girl. When we started thinking about adopting (June of 2012), we were open to a child of either gender. In fact, we eagerly pursued a little boy in Russia, but his agency wasn't accepting new clients at the time. Once we found Victoria and fell in love with her, our minds were set that it would be a girl. When she wasn't available to us, we went on a completely blind referral and, obviously, received the referral of a little girl.
When we started thinking of adding an additional child due to the Russian ban, we were also open to a child of either gender. Our son, however, was not. He was 100% offended that we would not want another boy like him. Why would we CHOOSE to add another girl? He felt he already had three sisters (though only two in our home), and he was ready for a brother! I was fine with this. When we saw Cooper's picture and fell head over heels in love, it just felt right! And our son was over the moon excited that he would be getting a little brother!
Then the unthinkable happened, and Cooper passed away. We knew our story couldn't end there, and we began to look at other pictures of waiting children after a few weeks had passed. We were anxious to find our child! It's a horrible feeling to sift through pictures of children and know you can't bring them all home. I honestly and truly loved them all SO much! I didn't know who to choose! What an awful thing, to have to "choose" a child. Bleh. I started asking for help from some China Waiting Children advocacy groups. I said we wanted a child with Down syndrome younger than our youngest bio child. Many boys were posted, and a few girls. There was one girl in particular that I was so, so in love with! I didn't know how I was going to say no! I also knew, though, that my son would never forgive me if we chose another girl. He'd lost his little brother and was grieving. It would be salt in the wound to deny him another brother and choose a girl. I showed him the picture of the little girl I was in love with, and he agreed that she was cute, but not the brother he knew was coming. Then I got a message from a darling gal that's heavily involved in advocating for waiting children. She told me that if I felt an inclination to adopt a boy to PLEASE do so. She said to give it a few days and see what happened. Sure enough, the girls were ALL chosen! And depressingly enough, not a single boy had been chosen. She explained that girls are chosen consistently over boys in international adoption. I had no idea! 
Well, being as far in the process as we are, I've heard a LOT of, "You're adopting a BOY from China?? I didn't even know that was possible!" The more I've learned, the more this bothers me. I think so many go to China to adopt girls because that's the population that was rejected and available for adoption historically. Most Americans know that the Chinese people can have only one child, and they prefer a son to carry the family name on and to care for the parents in their old age. This did and does lead to a lot of baby girls being abandoned. So many decide to go to China and adopt a girl. The fact is, though, that many, many boys are abandoned as well! Especially boys with disabilities! There are SO, SO many boys waiting to be adopted in China! Here is a fascinating article from the Love Without Boundaries blog about the adoption of boys. It's worth the read! 
I am so very thankful for the BOY we're going to add to our family from China! I can't imagine it being any other way! I didn't see Milo's picture for quite some time because no agency was advocating for him. His file wasn't even quite translated yet. Someone that followed Little Flower knew about him, though, and sent me some pictures LF had posted on Facebook. The second I saw his face, I had electric sparks go through my body. THIS WAS OUR BOY!! No doubt about it! 
I am so thankful for the many people advocating for the adoption of waiting children. I am so thankful for all I have learned through this journey. I am so thankful for the beautiful boy that will be joining our family in one short month!
Here's a video Love Without Boundaries did to promote the adoption of boys. So sweet!! Can't wait to get my waiting boy HOME!!
This is the outfit we got today for Milo to wear to his U.S. Consulate appointment in China. I know girls are amazingly fun to shop for, but come on! This is pretty darn cute!
P.S. It's also important to adopt girls from China! I'm not trying to invalidate how awesome it is to adopt a girl! Every child deserves a home!!