S l o w M o t i o n

It feels like our adoptions are moving in slow motion.  Our home study for China is done...almost.  It's been reviewed by our agency a few times, and they keep finding minor tweaks.  Each revision costs a day or two.  It's maddening.  I thought for sure we'd have our USCIS application sent off mid-week.  Now it's not going to happen until next week.  When you're anxious to get moving, these days and weeks cause anxiety and a feeling like you're stuck in mud and can't move very fast.  So. Slow.

And Russia?  Oh please.  Don't even get me started.  I am exhausted.  Mentally, physically, spiritually, financially...just so tired.  There's still so much work to do. The fight's not over yet, but man has this six months taken its toll on me! Everyone is sick of me talking about Russia and our plans. Everyone is nervous I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. Everyone wants me to "move on" and just be happy. So I fake it.  I pretend like everything's okay and I go through the motions, but everything's not okay. I start talking about plans and possible movements, and they get the "look" on their faces. I change the subject. The reality for me, though, is that there is a two year old little girl on the other side of the world who I feel like belongs in my family. It's hard to describe how deeply in love I fell with just about six hours of real time with her. She was my child from the instant she was walked in the room. She has nobody looking out for her now and no future ahead of her. There are many reasons we went to Russia in the first place. These reasons are still there, but it's MY child that is in danger of becoming a victim of the looming Russian Mental Institution. It gives me a stomach ache 24 hours a day and a feeling like I can't breathe. It physically pains me to look at her pictures, but I can't stay away. Her laugh is hilarious. Have I ever mentioned that? I am working on a movie with pictures of our visits. I am going to post it here soon, hopefully. All of you who've followed our journey so faithfully deserve to see the face of our sweetheart.

One thing that's been interesting to me is watching my friends travel to other countries to meet their children. The love and bond they share after a few short visits is palpable. Although I'm overjoyed for them and their babes, it kills me inside. I feel like saying, "How would you like it, now that you know without a doubt that this child is yours, if someone told you you couldn't adopt him/her? That's how I feel." Selfish, no doubt. Of course I never say that, I just think it. I wish I didn't think it, but apparently there's a big part of me that's...jealous.

I had a long, beautiful dream about Dasha the other night. She came to the U.S. for heart surgery, and they let us visit with her for a day. Our family all got to meet her, and of course fell immediately in love. It was such a peaceful, wonderful, perfect dream. But then they had to take her back, and I woke up to hot tears and a wet pillow. The reality of the situation haunts me, even in my dreams.

I'm having a hard time bonding too much with our China guy because of a few reasons. One reason is that I'm absolutely terrified something is going to go wrong, and I'm going to have this heartache again. I'm trying to love him from a distance so I don't get hurt. Another reason is simply just that I haven't met him yet. I don't know him. All I know is a picture, diagnosis, and country. I know I will love him when I meet him. I don't have doubts about that. I guess until then, though, I'm protecting myself from the pain. We have pre-approval for him, so there really shouldn't be anything to keep us from him, but you just never know. Honestly, this adoption thing is a risky undertaking. So worth it in the end, but risky nonetheless!!

The bottom line, though, is that I wouldn't take any of it back. If six hours is all the time we get to spend with Dasha in this lifetime, those six hours of her knowing the love of a Mama and Papa were worth all the time, money, heartache, and despair it's caused us. She has changed us forever, and I hope in some small way the love we shared with her during our visits is enough to sustain her until she has a Mama and Papa to hold her forever. And until she has a family, I can't stop. No matter how tired and desperate I become, I have to keep fighting and pushing. Because what other choice is there??